Daily Diary
From AUGUST 16TH
Dear Diary,
Aren’t we all hypocrites of some sort? We don’t fully practice what we preach or claim to believe in. But then again, sometimes, life breaks you so bad and before you know it, you are caving in so hard and doing the very things you once stood against. Some say life happens and I have started to believe this philosophy. The French man will say qui vivra vera. So you will know when you grow old or older or wiser or greedier or whatever, but what’s sure is that you will be face to face with events or circumstances that will challenge your very own ideologies(if you ever had them) and you’ll be tempted — to conform or to resist. When life happens, we will know if we practiced what we preached or if we had to adapt.
It is strange how people in relationships spend more time calculating the actions of their partners than actually being in love. And that is why relationships don’t last. Too many smart people trying not to be fools. It might be very important for you to go through your partner’s phone — because you might be putting in your whole heart while you are being played for a fool. But it doesn’t mean that you should live a life on the lodge with your lover. A main part of relationships is based on trust — if you don’t trust your partner enough, then you shouldn’t even be with them.
I am discovering that love can be expressive as well as demonstrative. And I have been growing to love the demonstrative part of love more. Don’t only tell me that you love me. Tell me how you do. And thinking about it, I think that’s the very basis upon which African families are built — we often reproach our families, friends, lovers and even ourselves for not loving, meanwhile we are loving just the way we need to love. For example, every time I’m in the kitchen cooking, I always remember the days my grandmom taught me how to cook groundnut soup, make pancakes or pap. That was an uncommunicative love but very demonstrative. Everytime I step into the kitchen to make something, I’ll always think of her and reminisce about those good old days.
Even as an adult, I occasionally fear telling the truth. Maybe it’s just the years of lying as a teenager or the fear of being shunned for our truths. But once in a while, though I brag that I can’t be beaten for my truths, I know that there are some truths that are better left untold — so I become the coward I used to be and that I promised I will never be once I grew up. And though in the eyes of others it might sound or feel like an easy thing to do, it is very difficult to assert and affirm what or who we are. So like Caesar once said cowards die before their deaths we live but partial lives or inconsequential lives until the times our adulthood fade off completely.
I’ve grown from the suicidal person I was in 2019 — but for different reasons. In 2019, I thought killing myself would cause pain to my family and friends and I was trying to avoid that. Right now, committing suicide is going to cause pain to me and my essence. I don’t want to leave like a loser. I will die a happy and fulfilled man. And also, those who think they care will eventually forget you and your memory will fade from their minds if you weren’t a landmark. But then again, I’m not living for anybody. Just like this diary. I am writing it for myself and secretly hoping that some person might stumble on it one day. Hopefully, the world gets to read my thoughts too? Until then, I want to be a better person than I was and not think of the worst, but the best. Growth is the most beautiful thing that can happen to anyone because when you hit rock bottom, you think there is no way out. Sometimes, you don’t need to keep climbing to find the heavens — if you keep digging, you might find the oil or the diamond.
The realization that the reaction to what you do is not near as important as the reach your content has, is very priceless. I used to be worried because people were not commenting. Now, I’m more worried if people are reading at all. The absence of comments doesn’t mean absence. Some people just read in silence. And knowing that I have people who look up to the things I write makes me sleep well at night. So because I haven’t documented my thoughts in a long time, I am sorry.
Dear Diary, keep my thoughts as secret as news can be…
