I’ve not had 4 weeks of sound sleep since I turned 18. I won’t say that I’ve had 4 days even. On my best weeks, my anxiety inspires me to write poetry. And on my bad days, it forces me into a semi state of depression. There are days when my life feels like a walking limbo. And on others, it feels like I’m a ghost who sees the light at the end of the tunnel without ever being able to reach it. Either way, I am chained by the liberties I once used to crave for. Shackled by the very adulthood I once longed to live/have.
Amongst the many borrowed German words in usage in English, a few have caught my attention like schadenfreude, doppelganger, poltergeist and Torschlusspanik — a word I just recently discovered. According to studygermanonline.com, Torschlusspanik means that one is panicking about the fact that “the gate” will close soon. “The gate” is a metaphor and it describes the fear of missing something because you are running out of time. This could be career opportunities, finding a partner or having children.
The one truth never told, was that adulthood won’t be easy at all. You have to handle a lot. You get betrayed by friends, you get heartbroken and you get rejected or fired from work. You have to go through all these while keeping up with friends/family and working. There is also that moment when you feel you are not good enough. Those failed projects and those ones done in haste. There is also the state in which you keep moving from one thing or person to the other. The state in which you are constantly searching for the next best thing.
They said when you are older, you are more aware and more caring. I’d say that the latter is as wrong as wrong can be. Are you? Feels like adulthood sends you into a semi-snob state and even if you wanted to, you just can’t care about people or the things around you. Why? The problems seem to be innumerable and the most logical thing to do(you think you can do) is to cut yourself off from the world while figuring life out. But you fail to forget that life is a puzzle and you are its missing piece. You can’t figure it out unless you relate with other pieces. And why worry so much? None ever made it out alive.
So you go on life’s war and forget the battles won. You are too focused on the destination that you forget to revel in the beauties the journey has to offer. These little mounts climbed, only make you more anxious about the bigger ones ahead. There is no time to sit back and thank God for giving you the things you once used to pray for. And then, everyone else around you seems to be so much happier and doing a lot better. So, you need to get going. But what if you sat back and had a look at the successes you’ve achieved? Or the wins you have? Just sitting back and toasting to the distance covered.
It’s a new month and it’s the weekend too. What are you going to do? Torschlusspanik got us all but we must not give in to anxiety. We know we all die in the end. We might as well live like we’ll never die than die without ever living.
There is sadness and there is joy
A melange of both
A reminder that life
Isn’t black or white
There are blotches of gray in it.
So enjoy today,
You might suffer tomorrow.