What value do you bring to your relationships?
Some days back, I got pissed at my friend because he said something he's been used to saying and I have been brushing off as a mere joke or some sort of unserious truth. But this day, it hurt me particularly. My friend has the habit of saying that he has useless friends - and though on normal days it would've meant nothing, on that day it really meant a lot to me. At one point in time, he even talked about the people who mattered to him and I couldn't find my name. Sad right? Because through these years, I've learned to love him like a brother or even more than that.
On that day, while my friend was talking about his dilemmas, I stared at my phone screen and wondered: "What must I type to make him feel better?" But nothing was forthcoming... So, I read on and on. It dawned on me that maybe he just wanted someone to listen to him talk. Maybe it's because he had always spoken and acted from a position of unquestionable strength and valiance that I thought I should and could not be of any help to him. But the reason for me getting angry was because his words, though familiar, that little sentence, us being useless friends, opened the scar of the wound I've always been trying to heal from. A difficult question I'd asked myself with regards to my friends and to this one in particular - who has always been there for me though we've been good friends only for a little over 5 years. This question popped up again and this time, it was only right for me to answer it. I asked myself: "Conrad, what value do you bring to your relationships?"
I've always walked with and talked to people who mostly said things like: fool, crazy, psycho... And it would've meant something more than just a joke. I mean it should've... What if they meant it and were using comedy's blanket to convey the message? Well... I'd never know. The good thing about my life is that I've always had to be amongst the most gifted people so much so that I often felt like a mediocre version of myself, of them - and that's why most often, I'd resort to being the clown. For it is nobler to be a King's fool than a peasant's playmate. Because a popular saying goes: “If you're the smartest person in the room, then you're in the wrong room” But sometimes, I felt I had to act a fool just to cover up for my laziness and incompetence. Maybe that's it. So I take my buffoonery and serve it on the table of my knightly friends and they laugh - with me or at me. Is there really a difference? Or I choose not to see it because I am, in one way, at least, of service to them. It's like I serve as dessert when their brains have been exhausted from over thinking and over working... But is that the only value I want to give in my relationships? Is that the legacy I want to be remembered for? How do I put in more value? Because if you’re to ask all those who know me, they’ll all be quick to make one assertion: “He’s a clown”
They say a relationship is the way two or more things are connected. Or the state of being connected. Which should cancel the doubt you already had in your head. Of course this article has everything to do with the title. The relationships we have with family, friends, coworkers, business partners... How beneficial are they to us, and also to them?
I put up something on my WhatsApp status some days back and it read: "If I am your friend and you don't benefit anything from me, feel free to block me" and though it sounded like a joke, I meant every word of it. Because in relationships, I believe, there should always be some sort of quid pro quo. It's a sad truth but your friend has something to benefit from you, same as you have too. Your lover is with you for a reason and you are with your lover for a reason too. The most common reasons people have relationships are money, connections, services... with love coming as a canopy. My friend offers me a home whenever I need some place to hang out at or eat and I in return help him out with his English and relationship troubles. My girl offers me respect and affection and I equate those with solace and protection. I could ride on but you get my point. I could write on about these benefits we seem to pretend we don't know we're getting from our partners and friends, but I decide to stop here.
It is true that one can never truly equate the values exchanged in any relationship but the point is not to be “useless” as my friend would put it. There are always values to be given or added. As a good friend, partner, brother, you have to always ask yourself: "What value do I add to this person's life?" Is it morally, spiritually, financially, intellectually or materially? Look for one value and add to the other's life. Make yourself dependable, if possible, indispensable. Add in something today.
